


In Which Sophie Questions Howl's Hobbies

by HannaM



Category: Howl Series - Diana Wynne Jones
Genre: Characters Writing Fanfic, F/M, Gen, Mary Sue, Nonnies Made Me Do It, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-10
Updated: 2013-08-10
Packaged: 2017-12-23 01:30:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/920412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannaM/pseuds/HannaM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Howl attempts to explain fanfiction to Sophie. This goes about as well as can be expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Sophie Questions Howl's Hobbies

It was not unusual for Sophie to find Howl doing something incomprehensible to her, particularly in the wintertime, when there was less demand for his services and he was more likely to become bored. However, observing him hunched over a small flat screen, which he was furiously pounding on with his fingers, Sophie had to admit this was a new record for strange.  
  
"Bears," Howl muttered. Then, without even seeming to notice her, he added, "Don't just stand on the stairs disapprovingly, Ms Nose, pull up a chair. Since this Yuletide story doesn't seem to be going anywhere, I can't say that you've really disturbed me."  
  
"Story?" Sophie asked, approaching the table with caution. "Since when have you been a writer?"  
  
"I'm not!" Howl said, clearly offended. "It's only a hobby. You wouldn't like it if I called you a cleaning lady."  
  
"You do call me a cleaning lady," Sophie said dryly.  
  
"Then you know exactly how I feel," Howl replied brightly. "At any rate, I am on a deadline, and still have three hundred words to go, so go and do whatever it is you do when I'm not around to light up your life."  
  
Sophie was curious, in spite of herself. _Perhaps I really am nosy_. "This story. What is it about?"  
  
"Oh, it's about a wonderfully dashing wizard with fantastic hair and an extravagant collection of dressing gowns."  
  
Sophie waited patiently to hear what the story was actually about.  
  
"What are you looking at me like that for?" Howl crossed his arms. "That's the story. Or well, that's the protagonist. The story is about him going on an adventure to rescue his ungrateful ward and his dull wife from certain destruction."  
  
Sophie huffed. "Howl, that's not original in the least. You're just writing a ridiculous fantasy about yourself where you get to play hero. And I am not dull!"  
  
Howl scowled. "I should have known you wouldn't have understood. I am writing a story, based, mind you, on the work of a Ms Diana Wynne Jones, who created these characters, so you can't say they have any relation to you or Michael. Otherwise the wife would be stunningly pretty as well, and have mad relations. This Millie character has no relations at all. So you see, it's completely different."  
  
Sophie rolled her eyes.  
  
"Some of my other work is reasonably popular as well. But I don't suppose you'd be interested in how a generous, unusually gifted eleven year old Welsh boy helps a school of magic lift a curse held on one of their teaching positions."  
  
"Not if you're writing it, no." Sophie had never met a book that she thought needed much embellishing on, but if she had, she certainly thought she wouldn't have the nerve to insert herself into the narrative. And- had he said they were popular?  
  
"Other people read these?" Sophie said incredulously.  
  
"I have twenty-five kudos and five comments on _Konstantin Pendragon and the Curse of Death_ ," Howl said proudly. "Mind you, I think my audience is pretty young, judging by their spelling, and they certainly don't get the references I put in, but I suppose I'm just good enough to overcome the age gap."  
  
"And your story about the fully adult wizard who in no way resembles yourself?"  
  
"Isn't finished," Howl said petulantly. "So begone, and leave me to my agony."  
  
Sophie snorted loudly, but went away, as asked. She was sure she didn't want to know how Howl planned on resolving a story with her and Michael mysteriously helpless without him.  
  
She was soon to find out, as it turned out Howl, now his hobby was revealed, was desperate for Sophie's opinions on his work.  
  
While most of it was self-involved drivel, with excruciating grammar, riddled with run on sentences, Sophie had to admit his spelling was impeccable, at least.  He also had a habit of making characters with no former chemistry have sudden affairs.  
  
"Howl," said Sophie, looking over Year Six of Konstantin Pendragon, "I don't see why Hermione, Ginny, _and_ Cho have to be in love with Konstantin.  
  
"It's the golden rule," Howl said smugly. "Show, don't tell. I'm showing the readers how desirable Konstantin is."  
  
"But within about two paragraphs Cho decides she's not good enough for him and runs off to Harry Potter!" Sophie exclaimed. "That's ridiculous even for your stories."  
  
"You're right," Howl said, to Sophie's surprise. "Harry's hair isn't nearly good enough for Cho. I should have her run to Draco Malfoy."  
  
"At least Harry and Cho have had a conversation on page," Sophie snapped. "That's not the part I found ridiculous. No one realizes they're in love with somebody, confesses, and then adds that by the way they're going to go out with someone else instead."  
  
Howl shrugged. "Women are fickle."  
  
Sophie threw a book at him for that.  
  
He dodged ably, and Sophie continued to read. She almost choked on her disbelief as Konstantin told both Hermione and Ginny that while he was very fond of them both, he couldn't go out with either of them now, as he had too many enemies who would target them.  
  
"You just couldn't make up your mind which fictional woman you preferred!" Sophie accused.  
  
"Nonsense! It makes perfect sense- Konstantin's too young to settle down," Howl said defensively. "And both Hermione and Ginny were asking for commitment."  
  
Even fictionally he was a slitherer-outer!  
  
The solution proved to be that Howl's avatar would court both Hermione and Ginny separately, without mentioning this to the girls (Sophie objected strenuously to this but Howl was adamant that the fictional ladies would become jealous of one another).  
  
Naturally, then Konstantin fell ill, and Howl was on the edge of his seat trying to decide who would make the potion that would bring him back to good health.  
  
"Hermione," said Sophie without hesitation.  
  
"Ginny it is," Howl said, to her annoyance.  
  
"Does Ginny even take Potions?" Sophie demanded.  
  
"Of course she does, it's a requirement. Hermione saves too many people- it's unexpected if Ginny manages it."  
  
"So I take it you've decided upon Ginny as your fictional bride?" Sophie said sarcastically.  
  
"For the last time, Sophie, Konstantin Pendragon and I are not the same person, any more than Christopher Chant and I are the same person, any more than-" Howl searched for an example "Ben Sullivan and I are the same person!"  
  
Sophie snorted, but kept her peace. He was beyond reasoning with on this score. "I suppose you chose Ginny because she has, and I quote "red gold shimmering hair"?"  
  
"She's also argumentative and stubborn and violent give the chance," Howl said. "Sound familiar, Ms Nose?"  
  
"I may have never read these Harry Potter books, but I'm sure Ginny Weasley isn't like me at all," Sophie said firmly.  
  
"But I have been writing her that way," Howl said smugly. "There, you were right for once. Satisfied?"  
  
"Howl," Sophie said, mollified. "That's almost sweet."  
  
"It's very sweet," he agreed, and she swatted at him. "Especially since it means poor Konstantin will have to deal with the whole ginger Weasley clan, and they're madder than the Hatters."  
  
"It's only fiction, you'll survive," Sophie said unsympathetically.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I expect Neil or Mari would have made Howl read Harry Potter at some point. As for Chrestomanci, it really makes no sense that Howl could have possibly read the books, so of course in this he has.


End file.
